word count: 3,084 words
Main Cast: Choi Siwon & Cho Kyuhyun
Obligations have to be met. Work has to be done. You can’t cancel or stop everything even if you are grieving. Even if you feel empty and you just don’t want to go on. And you wonder.
Why do people have to be stubborn? Why do people have to fight over trivial things? Why do we have to love so much?
My ‘brothers’ Leeteuk, Eunhyuk and Ryeowook brought me back to my family’s house the other day. They said they would have wanted to take care of me themselves at the dorm but they have their own commitments to fulfill and they just can’t leave me there alone. And lonely. And hurting. They said it was better for me to stay with my parents for a while to rest and they themselves will pick me up in a few days in time for the rehearsals and tapings for some shows.
But how can I rest my mind and body? When not a single day goes by that I don’t think of him. The moments we shared. Our times alone together. His face near mine. His kisses. His touch. The many times he gave me happiness. Gifts. Words. Touch.
How can I?
In my parents house, even my room is filled with his memories. Pictures. Clothes. Even my bed. Yes we’ve slept here together a few times but more often just cuddling together because the others were also guests and my parents are next door.
I lay on my bed holding a black and white photograph of him that I took when he wasn’t looking. His aura was so beautiful, the light that seems to give him a halo above his head. His face. “Oh Siwon! I wanna hold you high and steal your pain…because I’m broken and I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away…”**
It’s been a week now since Siwon was brought by his parents abroad, to seek “better” medical treatment, and almost two months since that horrible accident that left him in hospital ICU for several weeks. I went there almost everyday whenever I don’t have schedules or when I can cancel some plans, but I was never allowed to come near him especially when his parents are there.
They said I caused this to happen to Siwon, and I accepted that. Yes, if he hadn’t run after me and crossed the street even through a red light… this might not have happened.
I prayed everyday that Siwon be spared from anymore pain and that if God will take back everything from me, I’ll gladly give it up if only to see Siwon in front of me again. Standing and smiling and waiting for me to give him a hug. And a kiss.
My parents understood me. Right from the start. Right when Siwon and I started to develop our relationship. I told them that I don’t think that I’ll ever find any more happiness from any woman they try to set me up with than what I feel whenever I’m with Siwon. Yes, they gave up and they supported me when they finally realized that their son is in love with another man.
How I wished Siwon’s parents were as open-minded. But I try to understand them too as much as I can because they are Siwon’s parents and he loves them. But I also want them to understand that nobody wanted this to happen and that I will take care of him to the point of giving up everything if only they’d allow me.
Last night Heechul hyung surprisingly texted me.
“Go online. We want to see you.”
I did. And I saw them. Their faces crowding the screen all wanting to have a good look at me. They made me smile somehow. Those grown up dorks. I never knew I’d miss them too in just a few days but of course not as much as I miss Siwon. I longingly searched among them if I could catch a glimpse of him ,realizing he’s not here in Korea.
“…and get your bags ready. We’ll be picking you up tomorrow because you’ve been missing out on the events that we all should be going to. The band has a new schedule three days from now and you still have to practice. Besides, the media will be cooking up new rumors about you again if you don’t come back immediately.” Were the words that came to my senses as I refocused my eyes on them.
I gave them a weak smile again. That’s it. Go back to Seoul. Go back to work. Get your ass moving. Don’t think about anything. Or anyone.
But I can’t. I can stop working. I can stop breathing and living. But I can’t stop thinking of him. My life. My love.
“I understand, Leeteuk hyung. I’m sorry if I miss out on some of our schedules.” I said bowing my head in front of the screen.
“Aww, it’s not that. Of course we miss you. That’s why we also want you to come back soon.”
“Miss all of you too hyung. Okay, thanks for reminding me about our schedules. I’ll be seeing all of you again tomorrow.” We all waved to each other as I turned off my laptop.
I haven’t been aware of the passing days. I’ve only realized how long I have been away when I glimpsed at my desk calendar. Two weeks tomorrow. Should have been enough for me to get rested and refreshed in normal circumstance. But not this time.
It doesn’t matter.
Went about re-stocking my luggage and tell my mom that I have to leave again tomorrow. She looked in my eyes and again she understood me. She knew I need to do this or else the loneliness will consume me.
“Do what you have to do, my child. I know you should do this for you to move on.”
Heechul and Donghae were the ones who came and picked me up. Now I am back in my room at the dorm, trying to rest but failing.
Ryeowook looked in and found me lying in bed with my feet up on the wall. He smiled and sat on the bed.
“So how are you?”
“I’m good. Nothing changed much but its okay. I have to come back. I have to do things, you know.”
“That’s good. Why don’t you come out and eat some snacks I prepared? Shindong and Yesung are out there waiting for us.” He invited.
We were eating when Leeteuk and Eunhyuk came back from Sukira. They said they are happy to see me back again. Leeteuk handed me a piece of paper.
“This is your schedule starting tomorrow. Starting from rehearsals and guestings.” He said smiling. “Don’t force yourself if you can’t do these. You know we are here to support you, Kyuhyun-ah.”
“We all know I have to do this hyung. There’s no point in staying away. I’ll have to stop singing altogether if I stay away longer than I did. And you know that my love for Siwon is the only thing that tops it.” I said almost in a whisper.
They all gave me hugs of support.
I fulfilled all my schedules on the list for the rest of the week and the week after that. Somehow some things are distracting me from thinking too much about Siwon. But he is never really far from my mind. Where is he now? Did the medical treatment abroad do any real good to him? I wish it did. I really wish it did. For his sake.
I was handed a new schedule during breakfast one day.
“After we are finished with these schedules we’re going to fly to Japan for a fanmeeting. A two day rest will be given to all of you after that.” One of the managers said.
Then every one was jumping and cheering. Of course, any chance at rest is always welcome. For them.
We got thru our last schedule and this is the day we are flying off to Japan. I was surprised that we weren’t handed our tickets when we arrived at the airport. Passports were just stamped then we were ushered to the runway. To a waiting private plane.
A private plane! Everyone seemed surprised that we are going to travel in a private plane. Yeah, everyone. And that includes me. Everyone rushed in to get a good look at the interior. Everyone’s mouth was left hanging open when they saw how plush it was.
After the initial excitement is over I settled on a single seat at the back. Everyone else is chattering about the airplane. I closed my eyes and took a nap. They only woke me up when the plane was already at the airport.
We we’re driven to the foot of a mountain. There was several lodge like buildings that we passed through after we entered a tall guarded gate. The scenery here was postcard perfect and relaxing. There were even ponds left and right like those seen on golf country clubs. The van stopped in front of a building built to look like a three story log-cabin.
Some people dressed in what looked like office attire came out of the building and greeted us. Inside they passed refreshing drinks before leading us to a dining area readied for lunch. The managers discussed with us what were about to do after we have rested.
I wasn’t really listening. I was just wondering where our hosts are.
We just learned today that this is going to be a private “concert/fanmeeting”. Wow. A private concert of Super Junior here? Really? That’s cool. But what’s really cool is that our audience also sponsored our airfare thus the private plane. Our sponsor must be a gazillionaire to be able to throw away his money like that.
After lunch, the managers gave us our room assignments. Some of them got excited again. I couldn’t care less. I already know who I’ll be rooming with anyway so I didn’t pay much attention.
There was no elevator since it’s only a three-storey building so we all walked up. I followed Sungmin to his assigned room on the second floor.
“Hey, Kyuhyun-ah. Where are you going?” Shindong called out.
“To our room.” I said as I also pointed to Sungmin.
“That’s what you get for not listening”. Heechul smirked. “ You’re room is on the third floor, boy. Here’s your keycard.”
I took the card and walked a few steps when I realized that nobody else was going my way.
“Isn’t there anybody else going upstairs?” I stopped and asked.
“Aah, nope. You are the only one who has a room there, Maknae.” Heechul and Leeteuk exchanged knowing glances. “Go on. Get some rest. We’ll all meet again downstairs in three hours.”
I get it. It’s the ‘maknae syndrome’ again. Just because I’m the youngest doesn’t mean that I can’t voice out my protest. But I didn’t. I just walked slowly towards the room upstairs. I hardly noticed that the room doors were much farther apart than the ones downstairs. I stopped in the middle of the hall because I was surprised to find my name on the door I was facing.
“What the…?” I said to myself wondering. I opened the door and was again surprised at how big the room was. I hesitated at the doorway not sure if I have to go in because I got afraid that the managers and my hyungs are pranking me. I closed the door again and headed back down.
“Hyung?!” I called out as I knocked on one of the doors in the middle of the hall. I wasn’t even sure who I was calling out for.
Yesung opened the door I was knocking on. “What?” He looked at me puzzled why I still have my luggage.
“Where are Leeteuk hyung and manager hyungs room?” I asked, agitated.
“I think the one over there is Leeteuk hyungs’ and that one is the managers’.” He answered. He came with me towards one of the doors he pointed out.
“Teukie hyung.” I said as I knocked on his door. Heechul was the one who opened it. Both of them asked me why I still have my luggage with me.
“I think there has been a mistake. The room you assigned to me is way too large for me.”
They looked at each other then Leeteuk spoke. “We don’t think so. It was written on the room assignments that were handed to our managers.”
“But didn’t you hear me? I said that room is WAAYY too large for me.” I said gesturing with my hand.
“So?” All of them asked.
“So? Why do I get to have a HUUUGGE room while you guys share?” I asked pointing to the two single beds.
“Maybe our sponsor is a HUUGGGE fan of yours.” Yesung said as a joke. The other two snickered, trying hard to contain their laughter.
"Yeah! Maybe that’s it!” Heechul suddenly blurted.
I can feel something is going on but I can’t quiet figure it out.
“What? Do you want some more explanation? Go on back to that room and rest.” Said Leeteuk as he shooed me out of their room.
I grabbed Yesung before he can get away from me and asked him to accompany me upstairs. His jaw dropped as he saw the interior of the room when we I opened it. Much as mine did. I just saw it from the doorway earlier and haven’t seen much.
Now as I walk cautiously in the room, I discovered it to be equivalent to a small house. It has a living area, dining area and its own mini kitchen with a fully stocked mini ref. The bathroom has a Jacuzzi and a shower stall that can fit all ten, no, nine of us standing. And the bedroom. It only has a king sized bed with bedcovers and pillow cases in all shades of blue. My favorite color. And oh, I haven’t noticed the flowers in the room and the gift wrapped box on top of the bed until Yesung picked it up and handed it to me.
“Open it.” He urged.
“Of course I will. But not in your presence. So thank you for your time. You can go back to your room, hyung. Wookie might be worried now.” I told him as I opened the door and waited for him to step out.
“What is the meaning of all these?” I asked myself as I cautiously shook the box then unwrapping it. Inside is a dark blue long sleeved shirt with some sort of cut-out design at the side. There was a note with it that says, “Please wear this tonight when you sing your solo.”
lay on the bed with the shirt on top of my chest and closed my eyes.
I was startled to hear a ringing sound. It was a telephone on the other side of the bed. I wasn’t aware that I have fallen asleep.
“Good afternoon Mr. Cho. Sorry to have bothered you but we have a request to call you up at 5.30 and tell you that you should meet your hyungs downstairs in 30 minutes.” Said the polite voice.
I said thank you to the voice that sounded familiar and different at the same time. I shook my head in denial of who I thought it might be. I went to take a shower and came out with a towel around my waist. I was taking some change of clothes out of my luggage when I remembered the shirt on the bed. I put it on and noticed the right fit on me and the feel of the material was nice. I took out a bottle of perfume and sprayed it on. It was a gift from Siwon and he said he loves how it smells on me even with the scent of sweat mingling with it.
There was nobody downstairs except for one of the ladies who greeted us earlier. She said that the group had already gone to the building where the event will be held. It was a short distance to the right of the lodge.
I almost didn’t feel like going but the thought of the sponsor going through all this effort just to see and hear us just by themselves made me decide to follow them to the other building.
The building was a small auditorium. Only the managers were there holding what seemed to be a list.
“Oh! Kyuhyun-ah. You’re already here. Better practice your solo first before we start the program.”
Before I can ask him anything he shoved a mike in my hand and proceeded in instructing somebody to play one of my own songs and focus the light on stage. I heard the start of “Hope is a Dream…” and the light towards the row of seats darkened. I concentrated and started singing. There were people now coming inside but I can hardly see them because of the light. Those must be our sponsors/audience. If they do watch us practice then what is the essence of the real performance? I continued singing. It’s not my problem.
My song ended but the lights didn’t turn on. Instead another song started and I was puzzled. This is not mine. I mean, this is a song that Siwon once sang in a fanmeeting and it’s in Chinese. “Where is the Promised Happiness.” I just stood there closing my eyes remembering how he sang it with passion. Then a live voice started blending into the recording. Unmistakable. It’s Siwon’s voice. He’s here? How did it happen?
My heart started to beat so fast from excitement. I want to see him. And kiss him. And tell him how much I missed him.
I was about to go off the stage when the singing voice suddenly said. “I missed you Kyuhyun-ah.”
The lights by the row of seats turned on and there he is. Choi Siwon. In the flesh. He’s okay now. Looking healthy. Looking as handsome as ever despite the tears running down his face. I jumped off stage and run towards his waiting arms. We hugged each other so tight while my tears also fell. Tears of happiness. I never want to let go of this man again. My life. My love.
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